*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
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I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.