If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
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the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Cake safety first. Always.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags