I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
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a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
How to draw a duck
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
I mean…but I did