GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
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My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Here’s a meme
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”