im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
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Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
🔦🌙👣
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
getting old is fun
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.