The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
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my mind
You just read my mind
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
My purse is deeper than some people.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on