wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
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he’s doing your taxes
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?