flash mobs for serving divorce papers
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I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
i now pronounce you bounced.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”