i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
You Might Also Like
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
This is my favorite one of these!
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.