Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
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I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?