[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
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I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
*Inspirational Tweets*
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???