Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
You Might Also Like
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.