Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
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My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.