Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
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her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again