I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
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LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
I’m pretty like a car crash.