Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
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Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.