I weigh at least 17 squirrels
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*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons