I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
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Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…