I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
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MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
why would tinder want me to say this
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.