Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
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Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”