when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
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The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad