HOW DARE YOU
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new career option?
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
A short story of betrayal:
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~