You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
You Might Also Like
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name