Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
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Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
That 👊
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
this is the most humiliating day of my life
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them