My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
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My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.