I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
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Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are