So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
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Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
rise and shine we got egg
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”