Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
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The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth