me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
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me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
It’s a gift
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”