Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
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*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.