“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
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I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.