Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
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E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
*cough*
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.