My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
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H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes