If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
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Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
A new level of troll.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
This is a sub tweet
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Single and childfree like Jesus
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.