Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
You Might Also Like
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Put this video in the Louvre
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
*puts words between two asterisks*
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!