Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
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My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.