a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
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This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —