Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
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Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Close call…
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them