The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
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Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Breaking news:
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.