[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
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HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious