I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
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It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
“Why you watching this shit?”
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!