Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
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Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?