Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
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Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
a public service announcement
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.