[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
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wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Friday night party time 🥳
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
*Seductively hides in the woods
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.