O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
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POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.