I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
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No-one: I can hear screaming
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Wise advice
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too