I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
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*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.