People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
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“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me