Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
You Might Also Like
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂