Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
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The legends speak of a third Duran…
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector